


The Hands and The Heart

by oliverdalstonbrowning



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dysphoria, M/M, Marauders, Other, Queer Marauders, Trans Remus, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 02:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2331872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliverdalstonbrowning/pseuds/oliverdalstonbrowning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dysphoria is the hardest struggle Remus has ever faced, but Sirius is determined to show him the hands and the heart of his situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hands and The Heart

**Author's Note:**

> [Trigger Warnings: Gender Dysphoria, self-harm, brief alcohol mention.]

Sirius Black slumped forward in his chair moodily, tilting his head back against the frame and staring deadpan at the ceiling of the Library, watching the orange of the gradually setting sun distort the stained-glass panels and illuminate the ornate walls in colours of autumn and summer. He mentally drifted away from the study group around him and the colours continued to dance against the walls, moving gracefully as time passed in the most agonizing fashion. Somewhere out of sight, a grandfather clock chimed once, humming through the library. _Thirty minutes left._

Sirius felt someone kick him haphazardly under the table, but he pointedly ignored them, favouring the laughing colours above him that provided more comfort and warmth than acknowledging Remus' disappearance. He had removed himself from the group twenty minutes previously, looking pale and walking stiffly, unable to explain why he was leaving. It made Sirius uneasy to watch him go, because Remus not giving a reason for his departure was explanation enough for Sirius, James and Peter. It sat like a rock in Sirius' stomach, twisting and writhing and making him desperately anxious.

The person kicked Sirius again and he allowed his head to fall forward on his chest to give James Potter a deathly glare. The bespectacled boy across the table shot back a stern look, quill poised impatiently above a sheet of parchment where he was writing the same Charms essay as the other eight students surrounding them were, except for Sirius, who had long abandoned his after three straining paragraphs.

"Considering you didn't take notes in class, Padfoot, perhaps you'd like to partake in the diligent work this study group is doing? This study group that _you_ opted to join in order to receive more help," James hissed. On his left, Peter chuckled, knocking Alice Longbottom with his elbow and causing her to blotch her parchment with ink.

She let out a grievous sigh. _"Honestly, Peter, you need to be more careful, this happens every week…"_

" _Sorry! I'm sorry, Alice. Here, I'll fix it,"_

" _Ah! N-no, that's okay, I've got it,"_

"I'm distracted, James," Sirius answered simply, ignoring the banter next to him. He eyed his friend carefully and scratched his nose absently, signalling his true feelings in a way only James could decipher.

The boy gave an understanding nod and tore the corner of his parchment, scribbling a message hastily and sliding it over to Sirius, who swiped it before Marlene McKinnon could catch a glimpse. She pouted and he graced her with a rude hand gesture before reading;

**If you're worried about Remus, go after him.**

_But we know what it's probably about. He likes to be alone..._

**I don't care; alone isn't good for him when he's like that. It only makes it worse and he** _**knows** _ **that. Go after him and calm him down in case he does something stupid.**

Sirius sighed sadly and was about to crumple the parchment when Peter gave his two friends a quizzical look and was handed the note.

**He'll probably be in the bathroom. He mentioned once that he likes to try and wash his skin off.**

Sirius' heart jolted painfully when he read the addition to their messages and he did his best not to hit something out of misery it inflicted upon him. He nodded to Peter in thanks and rose from his chair.

This silent conversation between the three boys did not go unnoticed, however. Lily, who sat on James' right, was watching them with increasing interest, her quill disposed of on top of her essay which was already about a foot longer than the requirement. Her attention in these boys was so rapt, in fact, that her long auburn hair was sitting unbeknownst in her inkpot.

"Sirius? Where are you going?! There's still half-an-hour left; you can't leave the study group except for bathroom breaks! It's not fair on the othe – _oohhhh, my hair!_ " she wailed irritably, taking her hair out of the ink and seething at Sirius as if it were his fault.

"Well, then, I'm going on a bathroom break," Sirius returned with a shrug, forcing a coy grin he didn't really feel.

She was about to retort when James nudged her rudely, shaking his head solemnly. She tried to ask what was going on, but he refused to say. Sirius left his books and bag for James or Peter to take and he departed the library, giving them a sad wave before rounding the corner and breaking into a sprint down the hall to the nearest bathroom. His stomach hindered his running, knotting in on itself and making him feel ill. He hated this feeling more than anything; the heartbreaking uncertainty of what Remus might do. He wasn't a reckless sort of person, always analysing and calculating his actions before they were executed, which provided a great deal of logical insight to their pranks. But everyone had bad days; everyone had moments when they lost control of themselves. They were not to blame, and you wouldn't want to blame them; recklessness in the presence of misery was what it was. It was harsh and broken and it really, really hurt and you'd be stumped to stop it, but Sirius was damned if he wasn't going to try.

The nearest bathrooms were at the end of Third Floor near the staircases, which wasn't really that near in light of the situation. Sirius pushed himself to run faster, his breathing beginning to labour and a stitch forming in his side. He skidded to a halt and pushed through the door of the Gents, just as the sound of shattering glass echoed inside. He halted, inhaling to steady his breathing. There was a section of wall that hid the bathroom from the view of the door and Sirius stood there for a moment, listening, not wanting to accidently intrude on someone else.

He heard a person crying, deep and aching sobs that were thrown against the walls and into Sirius' chest. It _hurt_. It hurt so much. Sirius had no other words to describe how it felt to break for someone else; it just _hurt_.

He peered around the section of wall and, sure enough, he found Remus leaning over one of the sinks, the mirror in front of him shattered in its centre and his hand bloody at his side. His school sweater and cloak had been torn off and discarded onto the wet floor, and it seemed the rest of his clothes were soon to go the same way. Sirius swore under his breath and took out his wand, casting protective charms on the door so no one else could enter.

Sirius was not an imposing sort of person. He was affectionate with his friends and he knew how to be gentle with them and perhaps at times he was annoying, but he understood limits, and so did not approach Remus just yet. He was well aware of the other boy's need to be alone; in a building bristling with human activity, solitude was sometimes hard to come by. James was different, in that sense, and Sirius dealt with it well. When his friend was upset, he threw himself into homework and Quidditch and socializing and Sirius joined him as a form of comfort and support, there to grin should James risk to falter. But not Remus. Remus stopped when he suffered. He was the eye of a hurricane and everything energized and moved around him. You wouldn't be able to see it at first glance, but the signs were there; he would stop eating, refuse to do homework, or even read. Remus was still and emotionless, but gravely fragile and it frightened Sirius.

He watched protectively as Remus acted out his frustration, waiting for the right time to offer what little comfort he could. It was something Sirius never grew accustomed to, seeing Remus break. It was hard to see, as this boy full of silence finally started to cry and curse. He pulled feverishly at his tie, rubbing the tears from his eyes forcefully only to have them replaced with more. He let out another sob and he swore and he clenched his fists and it was clear he was doing his best not to properly scream until his voice cracked. Sirius nearly came out from his hiding place out of fear Remus would try and punch the mirror again. His cheeks were flushed and wet and his hair was a sweaty mess as he ran his fingers through the curling tendrils over and over, pulling at the strands so hard it made Sirius' scalp itch.

" _Fuckfuckfuck,"_

Remus tugged off his Gryffindor tie and threw it with enough ferocity that it ended up in a cubicle on the other side of the bathroom. The buttons of his t-shirt started to come undone at his fingers, the blood from his hand smearing the white of the shirt. He dropped it on the floor with his cloak and sweater and cast his gaze to the devastated mirror, his reflection scattered among the broken shards. He pressed his hands to his chest, pushing against a binder wrapped around his torso as though he could flatten himself even more. He started to weep again, wrapping his arms around himself in anguish. Sirius could see the curves of his waist and hips, evidence of a body he didn't belong in. Sirius saw curves, but didn't. He did not see Remus' body for what it was, but saw Remus for who _he_ was.

It seemed Remus was calming down, which Sirius assessed was oddly soon for one of his breakdowns. He sat on the floor – not mindful of the unhygienic state it was probably in – and he took deep breaths, resting his head between his knees and pulling methodically at his hair.

"You can come out," he said at last.

Sirius' heart skipped a beat and he emerged from behind the wall somewhat sheepishly, hoping Remus hadn't thought it creepy that he'd been watching.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I came to make sure you're okay."

"I'm – I'm fine, Sirius." But Remus' voice broke as he uttered the words, another cry fleeing him as he shuddered and rubbed his face, getting blood on his cheek. He choked and cried out again, unable to control the turmoil and the sadness welling up inside him.

Sirius hurried over, kneeling beside his friend and taking his hand. "You shouldn't lock yourself away," he whispered. His kissed Remus' fingers where there was no blood. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Remus. I know it's hard."

"I-I can't –" Remus drew in a ragged breath, but it became caught in his throat. He tried again, and then began to hyperventilate, shorts rasps of breath and his chest heaving from the pressure of the binder. "I h-hate mys-s-self."

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and forced back his own tears as he wrapped his arms around Remus, bringing him closer. Remus' body became limp against Sirius, hands clutching at the back of his shirt achingly. "How can you say that? How? When so many people love you," Sirius implored softly. He brought Remus back again to look at his face, smoothing back the hair that was matted at his eyes.

"I-I'm never g-going to be p-p-perfect,"

"No one is, you know. What is most important is not how you look, but how you are, and _who_ you are. Your heart –" Sirius paused, placing a gentle finger to Remus chest. "This is where you truly live. The flesh is only flesh, but the heart is where your true self lies. It is what matters most in a person."

Remus breathing was gradually regulating, his chest rising and falling against Sirius fingers, but still with effort against the binder, constricting his chest and ribs and lungs. "I just wish I could tear off my skin and start again," Remus whispered, burying his face in the crook of Sirius' arm.

"Here, look at your hands," Sirius offered, taking the one Remus had injured in his own. Remus looked down. "No matter how wrong the rest of your body feels, your hands will always be able to build amazing things. They will always be able to touch the right parts of a person to offer comfort, and to write down the right kind of words to make your best friend weep with joy. They are inherently more important to who you are as a person than any other part of your body. You need your heart, and you need your hands, and that's all there is to being who you are."

Remus sniffed and exhaled and he cast a teary-eyed gaze to Sirius and he smiled. He smiled and Sirius returned it. He tightened his embrace around Remus, feeling the small shudders dissipate and the stillness envelope him. Sirius had always wanted to do something permanent. He had even offered Remus the money his Uncle Alphard had left him to go to St Mungos and see what they could do, but Remus could never accept it, which saddened Sirius, but only to a certain extent. Perhaps he did not understand Remus' dysphoria as well as he thought he might, but he didn't really see why it mattered what was underneath his clothes. Remus was a boy, and Sirius had never seen him as anything else.

"Do you want to go back to the dorm?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head against him. "I just want to stay here for a while."

"Okay,"

They sat in silence, listening to each other's breathing and the quiet stirs of the trees and owls outside. The orange glow of the sunset flooded the bathroom and it was followed by the grey-pink of twilight and all the while Remus and Sirius did not move, huddled within each other, exchanging entire worlds of thought through touch and movement.

It was dark when Remus finally decided to move. Sirius stretched and helped Remus put his clothes back on and heal his hand. They repaired the mirror and collected the tie from the far cubicle and as they left, keeping the silence and the misery in the bathroom, Sirius looped his arm through Remus' and they exchanged comforting grins.

"You know," Sirius added at last, removing the charms from the door. "You should never doubt who you are. I mean, look at the sign above the door. I don't think you made the conscious decision to go through this one, you just did, and if that doesn't tell you exactly who you are, I don't know what does."

Above the bathroom door read the sign _GENTS_ and Remus let out a small chuckle, smiling hugely as Sirius went on tip-toe to plant a kiss on his cheek. Sirius knew it wasn't over; there would always be a time when Remus would doubt himself, when he would feel uncomfortable and inadequate and broken. But Sirius would always be there to prove him wrong; to prove that he always had a place in the boys' dormitory and in the boys' bathroom. And one day Sirius was adamant to make Remus go up to the girls' dormitory, just to see the stairs collapse beneath him.

They returned to Gryffindor Tower, where a cacophony of hungry teenagers were awaiting dinner, strewn around the common room with the giddy delight of the weekend at last upon them. Upstairs in the dormitory, Peter and James were disposing books and bags, having just come back from the study group themselves. They looked up quickly, concern on their faces as Remus and Sirius entered, arm in arm. Remus towered above the other three boys, feeling quite enamoured that they cared for him so, and somewhat guilty for causing distress.

"All right, Moony?" James motioned, peeling off his sweater and loosening his tie.

Remus nodded, smiling gingerly as Sirius went about rummaging through his trunk.

"I think it's a good time for a drink!" he announcing, brandishing a bottle of Firewhiskey and a huge grin on his face.

"Get a grip on yourself, man," James admonished as he swung Peter into a headlock to get his chocolate bar back. "Dinner first, then we get hammered."

Sirius rolled his eyes and put the alcohol on his bed for later. He went back over to Remus, who was putting away his books. "Will you be coming down for dinner?" Sirius inquired.

"I think so. Company might do me some good," Remus answered, turning to face his friend. "Shall we go?"

The others boys nodded and they retreated downstairs. However, upon reaching the common room, Remus paused, looking towards the staircase that led to the girls dormitories. James, Peter and Sirius all stopped too, watching with growing anticipation, wide-eyed and anxious. Remus moved forward, placing a tentative foot experimentally on the first step. Nothing happened, and at first Sirius thought he would break down again, but he took another step up, and then another. He kept going, up and up until he disappeared from view.

" _Remus!"_ came Lily's voice from the top of the flight. _"How did you get so far up? Boys shouldn't – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."_

With the grinding sound of stone against stone, the staircase shifted, and Remus and Lily came tumbling down the now flattened stairs, bumping and yelling out their misfortune. They rolled into a heap on the carpet of the common room, Lily swearing and shouting abuse while Remus laughed. He clutched his stomach and cried with merriment and Sirius had never seen him smile quite so handsomely.


End file.
